Purpose

All blogs have a purpose. . . .something necessary to share with the outside world . . to your community. The purpose of this blog is to share our journey through infertility. We want to process. . . to question and to share. We want you on this journey with us.

Here is our story:

Our journey began as children. I was playing with my barbies, Nathan was playing with his trucks and dinosaurs. . . each had a daddy and a mommy. We watched our parent's parent to us. . . and knew that one day we would be the mommy and the daddy to our own children. We grew up, we fell in love, we married and the next question was when. When would we want children, how would be parent, how many, what would they look like? Would they have Nathan's rosey cheeks? Would they have my eyes? One thing is for sure, they would be little toe heads. Until 2004, these questions were natural, they were part of growing older but never scary, never heart breaking questions. . . .


In June 2003 on a long ride down I-90 from Minneapolis to Chicago, we decided to go off the pill. It was a "let go, let God" decision with our fingers crossed that we wouldn't get pregnant right away. At the time, we had been married just over a year and were both beginning our Master's programs. But there was something inside of us, like the moment you look at the person you are dating and know you want to marry them, that told us to take the chance. Months went by with normal cycles . . . no two lines on the pregnancy tests, viewed with mixed feelings.

In the Summer of 2003 I went in to speak to my ob/gyn about our decision to try. She gave me some information on health precautions and diet. She told me that if we were not pregnant within a year that we may want to run some tests. Naturally I did not think much of this. I was hopeful, anticipatory and my heart was growing with the desire for this child that was not even created yet.

Months went by, irregular cycles, no baby. I found myself at Evanston Northwestern Hospital in the Winter of 2004. MRIs, Ultrasounds, blood tests.
I was a patient.
I was sick.
And this was confirmed to me on a cell phone call from my doctor while writing my thesis at Starbucks. Notes upon notes with words I didn't understand while conversing with my doctor: PCOS, Bi-Cornate Uterus, Infertility, Specialists. Words that roll off my tounge now. A forgein language I have become fluent in.

After more tests, tons of research and a harsh dose of reality, Nathan and I sat with the reality that a baby would not be a surprise for us, that I would not come home one day with the news that we were pregnant and Nathan would be shocked. We would plan for this and we would fight for this.