Last night I awoke for the usual 1:45 bathroom run (followed by the 3:30 and 5:15 bathroom run . . . can’t even imagine what 3rd trimester has in store for my bladder). And as I headed back to the warm bed, my hand skimmed over my ever growing belly only to find that my belly button is getting smaller and smaller.
Do women talk about their fears of pregnancy? My shrinking belly button left me awake in bed fearful of my body changing, of labor, of being a mom. Will I ever be the same again? And the answer to this is a resounding “no”. And I know that I don’t want to be the same . . . I want my world to be turned upside down by the baby growing inside of me but it’s scary nonetheless.
I remember during our engagement having many wise women tell me that marriage was work. And after 5 years of dating Nathan and knowing with the whole of my heart that I loved him and was devoted to him, I was struck with the fear of the unknown.
I am feeling similarly now. Doubting my ability to endure the pain of labor, to awake each night to feedings, to find innovative ways to make the baby distracted when s/he is crying.
And watching friends who have come into motherhood before me, I have learned that it’s instinctual. The body knows how to labor, the heart knows how to care for a crying baby and what I learned in the wee hours of the night . . . the belly button knows how to shrink.
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3 comments:
you have a beautiful way with words!
You're right - you won't be the same. You'll be better!
Don't ever feel bad about having fears. The way I see it (and I think I've said this before), it's kind of like trying to plan a giant party for someone you've never met before. I have found new motherhood to be, though trying at times, extremely liberating. I've had to let go of so much of what I previously tried to control...
I agree with Heidi, by the way - your writing is beautiful! It's been fun to watch you growing as a writer as you've made this journey!
CC
You are a good, DEEP, and consistant blogger. Good words and fun to know what's ahead as you guy are paving the way with stories one month before we get there, which gets me excited anticipating! ENJOY!
tony gapastione
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