Kid Fears

What would you give for your kid fears?


I love thunderstorms in the spring but last night I just couldn't sleep . . the rain felt threatening instead of cozy.

Woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach, exhausted and weak. I always struggle with allowing myself to call in sick to work but Nathan was able to help me to know that it was an acceptable decision. Once we got in the car to go into the clinic (half in my pajamas. . half in regular clothes) I knew I had made the right decision. We did the usual routine. . sat in the waiting room reading People, ultrasound with Jennifer, consult with the doctors and nurses, blood draw.

I have about 15 follicles (eggs) that should grow larger in the coming days so that we can do In Vitro on Friday or Saturday. This afternoon I received a call from the clinic saying that my estrogen levels were high. They dropped my dosages and hope that tomorrow when I go in, my estrogen level will be lower
or

treatment
may
be
canceled.

And it all came flooding back to me. . the disappointment, the fear, the injustice. What if. . .

Can my body handle it?
Can my heart handle it?

Right now I will tell you the answer is no.

I am scared. Scared of the anesthesia, scared of the recovery and now I'm scared that we won't even get there this month, that they will cancel the treatment and we will be back at square one, a place we know all too well.

Thunderstorms remind me of my childhood. The smell that the concrete has right before it rains. . . the rain coming into my bedroom because I would refuse to shut the windows. . . counting the seconds between the thunder and the lightning.

But now I would give anything for those kid fears.

Please pray for our week.
For our ability to get through our storm and to rest.