My/Our Embryos

I've been thinking a lot in the last few days about tomorrow. I know that our eggs have been fertilized and that in these past 4 days the embryos sit in a dish at the lab, trying to grow. But it wasn't until today that I realized the true power of what is going on.

I got a phone call from Rush Hospital (where our procedures are done). It was from the embryologist. . .she said "Didn't I call you this morning?" and I said "no. . do you know how my embryos are doing?" She said "No, come in tomorrow morning for your scheduled procedure." And while I still have no idea why she called I was struck by usage of the word "my" and my strong desire to know how they were . . .

This is so much bigger than our hearts can understand.

There is life being created already and tomorrow that life will be put in my body. While I tend not suscribe to the idea that life, as in a political or moral sense, is created at this stage in the game, I will tell you that those little embryos mean something to me.

It is beyond me and yet, I don't know if they will ever really be mine.

There is no denying that this is a physical journey and an emotional journey but today it is a spiritual journey for me and I am overwhelmed and humbled by this. So much of the time I know that God has given us this gift of infertility and that Nathan and I have become better people because of it: stronger, more in touch with who we are, stretched, more honest, more passionate. But there are many dark days . . . days where I don't see God in this at all. Where I don't understand what Nathan and I could have done to deserve this.

But I know that life is lived in the grey and today life is very abstract to me. I don't know why the embryologist called. . . sounded like she didn't know either. But one thing I do know is that tomorrow, two embryos will be placed inside of my body and I pray that they will find a home.